Dickinson Police Department Issues Apology for Mishandling of Scandal

In a press conference that could only be described as a masterclass in performative remorse, the Dickinson Police Department issued a formal apology on Tuesday for what they called “a slight oopsie” in handling sexual misconduct allegations within their ranks.

The department, visibly shaken by the public’s awareness of their internal scandals, promised to redouble efforts to ensure such matters are more discreetly swept under the rug moving forward.

The Chief of Police, sporting a freshly pressed uniform and a facial expression that screamed “I rehearsed this in the mirror,” addressed a crowd of two reporters, a feral cat, and a guy named Carl who showed up for free donuts. “We deeply regret that our previous efforts to bury these allegations were not up to our usual standards of opacity,” he said, clutching a laminated copy of the department’s newly revised “How to Ignore a Scandal” handbook. “Rest assured, we’re committed to doing a much better job of keeping this stuff hush-hush in the future.”

The apology comes on the heels of a series of poorly concealed incidents involving an officer, social media, and what sources describe as “a shocking misuse of department-issued handcuffs.” While details remain scarce—largely because the department’s shredder has been working overtime—leaked reports suggest that the misconduct ranged from “inappropriate comments” to “stuff we can’t legally print"

In response to public outcry, the department unveiled a bold new initiative titled “Operation Dust Bunny,” a comprehensive plan to streamline the process of ignoring complaints. Key components include mandatory “plausible deniability” workshops for all officers, and a dedicated team of interns tasked with distracting the media with shiny objects and/or more donuts.

“We’ve learned our lesson,” said Deputy Chief Sheila Coverup, who insisted on being quoted anonymously despite standing at the podium. “Our previous approach—telling complainants to ‘just chill’ and misfiling their reports in the recycling bin—wasn’t cutting it. Going forward, we’ll ensure all allegations are handled with the utmost secrecy, ideally in a soundproof room with no paper trail.”

Local residents had mixed reactions to the announcement. “I’m glad they’re taking accountability… or at least pretending to,” said Marla Jenkins. “But I’m pretty sure I saw Officer Dave trying to ‘sweep’ something under a rug at the precinct last week, and he was just pushing a broom around like he was auditioning for a community theater production of The Wizard of Oz.”

In a bid to restore public trust, the department announced plans to hire a PR consultant with expertise in “making bad things sound less bad.” They also pledged to donate $50 to a local women’s shelter, though the check reportedly bounced due to “budgetary oversight.”

The Stark County Sentinel reached out to the Dickinson Police Department for further comment, but our calls were redirected to a voicemail greeting that simply said, “Nothing to see here, move along.”