Dickinson Officer Promoted After Heroically Confronting Barking — Pets Instantly Euthanized

DICKINSON, ND — In a quiet ceremony that blurred the line between recognition and regret, Senior Officer Mark Delaney was promoted to Corporal, months after his role in a 2024 incident that ended with multiple family pets being shot on sight for “aggressive vocalizations.”

The promotion, held behind closed doors at City Hall, honored Delaney’s “unwavering commitment to public silence,” even if that meant responding to barking with bullets.

“The badge symbolizes courage, judgment, and, sometimes, irreversible decisions,” said Chief Raymond Blass, adjusting his collar.“Officer Delaney made the kind of call you can’t train for—unless you're specifically trained for it.”

The Sounds of Silence

The pets, described by neighbors as “mostly just loud,” were euthanized in their yards before animal control could arrive. Despite public confusion and grief, Delaney was commended for “neutralizing a high-decibel threat before escalation.”

“When you’re part of a tactical unit, threats come in all forms,” Delaney told reporters, stone-faced.“Sometimes those threats have wagging tails and friendly eyes.”

Delaney, a 9-year veteran of the force with sniper credentials and nearly 1,400 POST hours, reportedly applied “combat precision” to what began as a simple nuisance call.

Fallout and Applause

Though public backlash simmered online, no official reprimands were issued. Chief Blass reiterated the department’s “zero-bark tolerance” initiative, launched quietly after the incident.

“This isn’t about dogs,” said Blass.“It’s about ensuring Dickinson residents feel safe in the knowledge that no sound goes unanswered.”

Critics argue the promotion rewards unnecessary violence. Animal rights groups called it “state-sponsored euthanasia for the emotionally inconvenienced.”

The Cost of Quiet

No comment was given regarding compensation to the affected families. One anonymous city official referred to the event as “a noise complaint that got too real.”

“Law enforcement is about tough decisions,” one officer noted off the record.“Sometimes that decision is whether or not a bark is worth a bullet.”