Dickinson Declares War on Twang: Texans Targeted for Deportation

DICKINSON, ND — In a move that’s raised more than a few eyebrows (and hackles), the Dickinson City Council is exploring a bold new economic strategy: deporting Texans.

With Bakken oil prices plunging faster than a pickup on black ice and rig closures threatening local jobs, city officials are pointing fingers south. Their claim? Lone Star transplants are “hogging North Dakota’s precious paychecks.”

“Big Hats, Big Problems,” Says Councilman

At a packed town hall meeting last night, City Councilman Vincent Kuntz, clad in flannel, unveiled the proposed crackdown.

“The Bakken’s in trouble, folks. Rigs are shutting down, layoffs are coming, and we’ve got one group to blame: Texans,” Kuntz declared, pausing dramatically.“They roll in here with their big hats and their ‘y’alls,’ taking jobs from hardworking North Dakotans. It’s time to deport first and let the lawyers sort it out later.”

When questioned about the legality of rounding up U.S. citizens based on state of origin, Kuntz dismissed the concern with ease.

“If the Trump administration taught us anything, it’s that you can deport now and figure out the paperwork later,” he said.“The courts move slow—and that’s to our benefit. Every day court cases drag on is another day Dickinson is Texan-free. That’s more jobs for our people.”

Operation No Twang: What Counts as ‘Too Texan’?

The city’s proposed enforcement campaign—“Operation No Twang”—has sparked debate across Dickinson’s bars, diners, and the local Tractor Supply Co. Under the plan, anyone exhibiting “Texan-like behavior” could be escorted to the nearest state line, likely Montana (which has already filed a complaint).

Behaviors under scrutiny include:

• Speaking with a drawl, twang, or any “excessively Southern” accent

• Owning more than three pairs of cowboy boots

• Playing George Jones, Willie Nelson, or “that newfangled Beyoncé country album” too loudly

• Using the phrase “fixin’ to” in casual conversation

• Displaying an unnatural affection for Whataburger ketchup packets

“We’re not saying all Texans are bad,” Kuntz clarified, adjusting his very Stetson-like hat.“But if you’re walking around saying ‘howdy’ and ordering brisket at the local diner, we’re gonna have to take a hard look. It’s about protecting our way of life.”

Mixed Reactions from Locals

Lifelong Dickinson resident Tammy Gunderson expressed cautious support.

“I don’t mind Texans, but last week I heard a guy at the gas station say ‘y’all’ three times in one sentence. That’s just excessive. Maybe they’d be happier back in Houston.”

Not everyone is on board. Local attorney Linda Schwartz, a self-proclaimed “voice of reason,” called the proposal unconstitutional.

“You can’t deport American citizens for having an accent. This is unconstitutional, unethical, and frankly, un-North Dakotan,” she said.“Also, half the council sounds like they’re auditioning for a Garth Brooks cover band. Are we deporting them too?”

Her remarks were drowned out by a chorus of boos and a spontaneous rendition of “Sweet Caroline,” which Kuntz insisted is “a patriotic North Dakota tradition—not a Texan one.”

Confusion and Concern in the Oil Patch

The plan is already causing confusion among Dickinson’s workforce. Juan Martinez, a rig worker from El Paso, expressed concern.

“I’ve got a bit of an accent, sure, but I’m not even that kind of Texan,” he said.“Do I need to start saying ‘uff da’ to prove I belong?”

Meanwhile, the Dickinson Chamber of Commerce is scrambling to rebrand the city as “Texan-unfriendly” without tanking tourism. A proposed slogan—“Dickinson: Where Y’all Ain’t Welcome”—was ultimately rejected as “too on-the-nose.”

The Vote Ahead

With the council set to vote on the measure next week, Kuntz remains defiant.

“This isn’t about hate. It’s about survival,” he said.“If we don’t act now, Dickinson’s gonna turn into Austin. And I ain’t living in a town with artisanal taco trucks on every corner.”

As the battle over boots, brisket, and drawls rages on, The Stark County Sentinel will continue to monitor the situation—assuming we’re not deported for liking Shiner Bock a little too much.